


Do You See Me?

by Screaming_into_the_endlessvoid



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Zombie Apocalypse, Angst and Feels, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Happy Ending, High School, I Made Myself Cry, Jealous Negan (Walking Dead), M/M, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Sad and Happy, Slow Burn, Unrequited Crush, i still don't know how to tag lmao, teenage romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:21:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28281600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Screaming_into_the_endlessvoid/pseuds/Screaming_into_the_endlessvoid
Summary: A story in which Negan is the varsity baseball captain and has a very deep crush on Rick who is junior member of thee student council. Rick is unaware of Negan's feelings because his eyes are on Lori. But in the end Rick returns Negan's feelings.*Warning for sad and depressful tones and overwheliming feelings of despair but it gets better I PROMISE.*
Relationships: Lori Grimes/Rick Grimes, Rick Grimes/Negan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for not tagging correctly, like I said I am *sparkle* inadequate *sparkle*  
> I have another fic for these two if you guys want to read it https://archiveofourown.org/works/28141389/chapters/68953686  
> Anyways I hope u enjoy this UwU

It was a Tuesday morning at Woodbury Senior High.

The halls were filled with the typical ambience of thousands of voices gathered into one.

Negan was at his locker, stuffing more graded papers and junk into it, not really caring about the discussion that his two friends, Simon and Dwayne, were having- something about Sherry's party this weekend- he had finished and closed his locker when he saw Rick Grimes, junior student council member, walk over to Lori's locker.

His heart had picked up speed and his breath had left his lungs as he watched the most perfect beautiful fucking thing in the world walk, he swore the world had slowed into slow motion while Rick was moving. His loose chestnut brown curls bounced a little with every step he had taken, his smooth clear face practically glowing, his figure radiated with pure happiness, his blue eyes as fucking beautiful like the most exquisite ice crystal he had ever seen in his life, his nice soft pink lips held a warm smile to them that could melt a glacier if it came into contact.

Negan sighed contently as he watched him, but that joy had evaporated into pure fiery hot rage as he saw Lori kissed Rick on his cheek. His hatred for her burned brighter than the scorching vigorous intensity of 10,000 suns combined. He hated her so much there were no words to account for it, this hate was something that potential killers carried with them as they took the life of their next victim. A dark twisted thought popped into his brain about how he would be easily happy to take Lori out, but then that was all washed away with a wave of immense sadness as he realized that Rick was with Lori and not him, they both hit off while getting to know each other more because of student council. 'H _ow the fuck could he think she was pretty, she looked like some damn lab experiment on a monkey gone terribly fucking wrong. How the fuck could he possibly like that science experiment_ ' Negan thought to himself.

A tap on his shoulder interrupted his self wallow. 

"Hey man, you good? You literally just fucking stared at nothing while not moving, shit was creepy." Dwayne asked his voice more lined with confusion than with concern.

Negan gave tired exhale, completely sad about his desired counterpart now. "Yeah, just tired is all. Why? You bitching up or something?" he said obviously doing the best at deflection, he didn't want them to know he was deeply pining over Rick like some stereotypical schoolgirl obsessed with their crush. ' _Fuck. **I am** that stereotypical schoolgirl._' Negan silently registered. "Whatever man, the next time you're being weird and shit, don't be surprised when someone flips the fuck off on you." Dwayne stated, pissed that Negan had gotten on him for wondering why he was being weird. The school bell rang signaling for the start of first period. Exchanging their goodbyes, Simone and Dwayne headed off. The halls started clearing out, students going in every which direction to get to their classes. Negan stood at his locker, watching as Rick and Lori gave each other heart eyes as said they said there goodbyes. 

His anger and sadness had clashed against one another in his mind while his heart broke a little bit more and more.

He went to his trigonometry class. His head was only filled with thoughts of Rick throughout the rest of his classes as it all swirled together in a series of melancholic blur.

* * *

He was at his usual lunch table, with Arat, Simon, Laura, Gary, Dwight and Sherry. If they were affiliated with a clique, it would probably the Cool Kids, but not popular. Popular kids are the good looking, stereotypical conceited assholes like Spencer and his group. They were the one's that simply didn't give any fucks that came with highschool like the teenage overly complicated bullshit and were indifferent towards anyone besides the select few that they happened to like. 

The Cool Kids, Negan rolled his eyes at the title. He was thinking about how none if mattered after highschool anyways. People had lives to live, jobs to work, and the need to survive. Who the fuck would care about a highschool reputation afterwards? It was the grades that mattered rather than being some arrogant good looking dumbass. That was one of the reasons why Negan loved Rick so much. He was so fucking intelligent and his future was bright and that really tickled Negan in the balls. 

He looked over at the junior currently sitting at his table with Beth, Glenn, Daryl, Shane, Lori, and Carol. He was laughing at something and Negan felt his own lips turn upwards at the sight of it. God he loved that boy so fucking much. As he was watching them Carol caught his stare and looked at Rick and then back to Negan. She gave him a knowing look that made Negan uneasy. She stood up at her table, they turned their attention towards her confused, Negan could see Rick ask her where she was going, Negan figured she must've she was going over to Negan's table because the moment she stopped talking all eyes snapped over to his from that table. 

Negan flushed a little, he felt so fucking on display to them and quickly turned away feeling their gazes burn through him was fucking scary. "You okay?" Laura asked him "Don't ask him that he'll just be a dick" Dwayne spat.

He was going to respond when he heard Carol's voice from behind him. "Hi Negan" She greeted him sweetly. Everybody at his table gave her an odd look or just stared at her, she payed them no attention only response was "I come in peace" before taking a seat next to him. Negan was abashed. "Hi" even to himself his voice sounded off. It was some sort fear that made him go into fight or flight response, probably because of everyone at Rick's table snapping their eyes to gaze into his soul, maybe because it was Rick who did it that made him respond to this way. He didn't like it. ' _What the fuck is wrong with you, you are seriously cooler than freezing up like a pussy by being looked at by people._ ' He mentally kicked himself. 

"Negan" Carol's voice was soft holding no malice behind her words, he took a deep breathe forcing himself to calm down. He looked at her with an expression that asked 'what the fuck do you want?' without any words. "Negan.. I know.." those 3 words knocked the wind out of him, he looked at her eyes wide as saucers. She gave a little laugh at his expression but continued to gaze him with that same mellow she had originally. "Negan, I pick up on little things nobody else can, that's how I know." she says resting an comforting hand on his shoulder. Relaxed a little at her words. Just a little.

"I know what you're going through believe me, Ed drives me absolutely _**wild**_ , but I do know that it's a lot to carry, especially if your carrying all of it on the inside." 

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about." He spat, a weak attempt seeing as his voice was still strange. "Oh I think I do mister, you're anger is only more an confirmation on my speculation Negan."

' _Fuck she knows._ '

"It's okay Negan, I just want you to know that if you feel a need to let it out _please_ come to me. It gets heavier and heavier than more big its gets, and I don't want you getting hurt by it." she squeezes his arm gently, giving him a small smile. 

He manages a small quick nod his voice failing him. 

She looks at him with a proud look before letting go of his arm and returning back to her table in the cafeteria. While returning, Rick had managed a look at him, studying him and Negan felt that one feeling creeping up inside of him. He turned back to his table as they were all looking at him with confusion "Negan what the hell was she talking about?" Simone asked him "And why does she know and not us?" he didn't want to deal with that, he wanted to ball his fucking eyes out in a bathroom stall to feel better. 

' _I'm gonna do that_ ' 

"Look I really don't wanna fucking talk about it, what we talked about stays between me n her." Negan gruffed out. Arat caught his arm "At least tell us you're okay Negan" she said worry in her voice. He didn't want to deal with that. He wasn't okay, of fucking course he wasn't.

Snatching away from her grip, "JUST FUCK OFF!" he shouted in anger. He was completely embarrassed with what he did as he saw the look of hurt on Arat's face. The cafeteria went silent at his outburst, he didn't fucking care. He didn't let it get to him, so what if they looked it doesn't matter he was fucking hot anyways of fucking course they'd stare. 

He saw Rick eye him out of a bewildered way, and he felt only his gaze on Negan's way out. 

He ran into a bathroom, nearest away in the school, and got in a stall and let it all out. 

He had skipped his last 2 periods in that bathroom, not caring in the slightest bit. Going home that day was the best part of his day. 

But the dreams of Rick that haunted his sleep did nothing to stop the tear in his heart more and more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are back again...I just thought of it and went with it. If you guys like this, I am so happy you enjoy it.💖  
> On to the story.

Wednesday was a rainy dark day.

School atmosphere had always been dependent on the weather which was was very compelling the more you thought about it.

Negan had felt better that day prior to the day before. Although the never ending feeling of heartache pursued him, he felt much better getting it all out. Carol was right, getting it out was way better than trapping it all inside. He felt amazing after he cried but he was exhausted and even more crushed after having a dream where he and Rick were dancing in the school hallways, having a happy time with the school pride that was the common plague at their school.

He was walking to his 3rd period that day, drowning out everything and everyone around him, drained from the constant thoughts of Rick that took permanent residence inside his brain when he saw Arat talking to her girlfriend Tara. 

Memories if yesterday filled his mind, taking a break from something other than Rick, he felt so bad for yelling at her like that. "Hey Arat" he greeted walking over to the two girls. She gave a him a hard eye glare and Negan was sure that if looks could kill, his death would surely be a sick sadistic type of slow torture dragging out until he lost concious and finally died. A shiver ran up his spine.

"The fuck do you want Negan?" A hindered anger behind her voice. Negan swallowed, he fidgeted with his hands looking down, "I'm really soery about that yesterday, that shit was so uncool and I didn't mean to come off on you like I did." He said, shame heating his face. 

She saw sincere hurt in Negan's eyes and softened after it. "It's okay, I just wanted to know what the hell was going on, after Carol came over and talked to you, you just werent you anymore. Do you want to clue me in about what the hell is going on?" She asked him in a distressed tone. 

Negan wanted to tell her but he just couldn't for the life of him tell one of his best friend that he liked Rick Grimes, she would probably be disappointed ratger than disgusted in his taste in men, and he didn't want anyone to know, like a foreboding panic of danger for the future.

"I don't want to talk about it. It's okay though, I fucking promise I'm peachy." He reasussered her, she gave him a look of uncertainty before dropping back to her regular face. "Yeah, alright. I'll go off your words Negan." She said they said goodbyes quickly after.

* * *

He was in his 3rd period, writing away at his desk for their assignment that his teacher Mr Greene had assigned them in Literature. 

A poetry assignment that conveyed true emotion. 

What they could write about didn't matter as long as it had that emotional _Hook_ that made the audience feel exactly what the writer had felt.

He was in the middle of writing his feelings about Rick, when the devil himself popped into the class bookbag on shoulder, and books in hands. 

"Ah Rick." Hershel had gotten up. 

"Everyone this is Rick Grimes, he isn't new at this school but he will be new in this class. He transfered out of his old one seeing as it was not giving him a challenge." Hershel laughed at his statement, Rick gave a humouring grin. "Don't go easy on him folks." He said clapping Rick on the back. "Hey y'all" he greeted everyone in his perfect southern drawl, Negan swooned. Rick had taken occupency at a desk 3 rows over from his. Still in the same horiztonal line. 

While setting his stuff out he and Negan made eye contact. It was one of those weird ones where you look at somebody looking at you from across the room. He didn't look away determined to hold Negan's hazel gaze with a spirit. Negan flushed a deep red, ' _FuckFuckFuck_ ' he looked away as his heart pounded against his rib caged and sweat coated his hands. That happy feeling he had during the start of the day had once disolved into more overwheliming fear and timidness. 

His hands shook as he continued to pour his heart out over paper for the kid three seats away from him. He glanced a quick look over and saw to his pleasure, Rick working on something and not staring into the window of his soul. A heaviness dropped onto him as he continued staring at the boy he so well loved. The bell rung, ending the class and switch for the next one to start. He was getting his mateeials in his bookbag, students filing out of the class, when suddenly the boy ge craved stood in front if him. "Hey" Rick greeted him with uneasiness, "What?" Negan said trying his best to be the asshole he was 3 weeks before he had met Rick.

"I'm Rick" he laughed "as you already figured, I think you're name is Negan right?" 

"Yeah, why you askin?" Negan said a steel behind his words, making sure they covered his heart.

"Well, I just wanted to meet you, I know that you play baseball with Shane, and Carol had talked to at lunch yesterday, speaking of.." 

' _Fuck_ ' 

"Are you doin' alright, you kinda stormed out in a weird way." His blue eyes were filled with so much concern and Negan craved all of it. 

"I'm doin' just fucking peachy Rickie boy. I don't know why the fuck you're asking me. With all the staring you do I would assume you got a little crush on bad boy Negan" Negan tried his best to sound like the asshole he was before even though he hated it. He hated it so much because he hated being that person to Rick.

"No I don't have a crush on you dude, I got a girl who rocks my world. I'm sorry you thought otherwise" 

His heart was stabbed. It fucking bled out. Internal bleeding. Internal screaming.

Though the words held a teasing tone to them, the seriousness of the pain that was unintentionally afflicted onto Negan was not.

"Whatever, fuck off Grimes." Negan spat out as harshly as he could. That caught Rick off guard. 

As Negan was hurrying out of the door he had practically ran over before he got away, hand on his arm. "Negan I'm sorry if I hurt you, I don't know what I did, but obviously you're mad at me and I'm sorry." Rick said trying to end the bad tension between them, unaware of the deep turmoil he was placing Negan in.

Negan sighed with a certain sadness that caught Rick's attention. Shrugging Rick's hand off of him, "You're probably just going to continue to hurt me Rick, whether you're trying to or not it doesn't matter, so just save you're fuckin' apologies for someone else" he commented tiredly before walking away. 

Rick was more confused now than he ever was about Negan. ' _What?_ ' he thought while walliking the halls to his next class.

He had Chemistry with Carol, he thought he should get some information out of her since she was the one who apparently caught on with Negan's troubles.

Sitting at their lab table "Carol do you know what's wrong with Negan?" Rick started.

Carol glanced over to him, she looked away and focused on the experiment that they were doing with the different chemicals. "No. Why do you ask?" She said with that guiding tone of hers.

Rick shook his head "Well something about him is just off to me, it's hard to describe. Was he like that when you talked to him yesterday? In fact what did y'all even talk about?"Rick pressed, he needed to understand what the hell was going on with him. 

"We just talked Rick, he needed a reassuring face telling him that he's not alone. That's it, and yes he did have that same type of eneegy that's why I went over there to talk to him in the first place. Now she set the beakers down and looked at him "Are ypu going to continue being a nosy prat or are you going to help ke with this damn irrelevant work?" She asked, attitude in place. Rick laughed a little at her comment. 

"Yeah I'll help sorry" they got through the rest of class without bringing it up but Rick still felt that voice in the back of his head telling him that something was not lining up here. 

That voice disappeared however, as he met up with Lori at his lunchtable and gave her a heated kiss. Unaware of Negan's lingering gaze on them.

Unaware of how he was breaking his heart. 

unaware of how he was hurting him like negan had claimed he would.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to rewrite this entire chapter when I originally thought I saved it..😐  
> Anyways i'm sorry I keep torturing you guys and Negan but trust me it's going to get better❤

That Wednesday night Negan was sitting at his desk scribbling away in his notebook for his literature assignment. 

After today's prcatice he had felt a little better and the shower he took when he got home just added to the highlight of his gloomy day.

He was looking over his words one last time after feeling content with the amount of emotion he poured onto the paper. Even though it was despair and sadness it was still art in a more different aspect.

He had had gotten into bed around 11:26 PM. And he was so happy to not have a dream of the blue eyed boy that usually haunted him throughout his slumber.

* * *

Thursday was a half cloudy, half sunny day. It was cold though as the early fall weather had started it's cycle. The atmosphere was a more neutral tone today for students.

Not for Negan though, last night he had slept like a fucking baby but when he woke up he was still lethagic.

Happy but tired.

Which is exactly why he was all the way across the school in the cafteria area in front of a vending machine, chugging a kickstart. After finishing it he had let put a deafining burp, and students in the halls either stared at him with disgust or total aweness. "Fuck are y'all looking at?" He asked daggers behind his tone. They all looked away.

The bell had rung for his 3rd period and he realized he was late but it was well worth it. Even though he prayed that they didn't have to present, he'd rather do it charged and refreshed than a zombie. Making his way to Mr. Greene's class, he was praying to every cosmic god and devinivity that he did not have to present.

He was 6 minutes late, " _Totally worth it_ " he thought dismissively. 

"Well then, it seems here that Mr. Negan had other prioties on his list than attending class" Hershel began, Negan resisted the urge to roll his eyes as every student turned to look at him,. "Do be so inclined to make sure my class is first Negan, I only want to go over insturctions, once per class." 

"Yeah, sorry, I was just getting the juice." Negan said as he walked to his seat, the class filled with laughter from his comment, it made him feel better.

Hershel sighed in exasperation, "Negan we are presenting are poetry, and seeing as you were 6 minutes late from, quote unquote, "getting the juice", perhaps you should go first" Hershel stated matter of factly. 

Negan's happiness chilled into sharp cold fear. " _I FUCKING PRAYED TO YOU_ " he screamed at the universe internally. 

He quicked a glance at Rick, who seemed to be studying Negan's entire movements.

" ** _Shit_** " 

Fine. 

Negan got up in a way that sent anger in waves that resonated throughout the entire classroom. 

"This is called _Do You See Me_?" He started in the front of the room, all eyes including Rick's on his, ' _let's get on with this now than later_ ' he thought with a sigh.

_I see you in the distance_

_Everthing else obscured by darkness_

_For I know my heart has no resistance_

_Of the love for you it bears witness._

_I see you as clear as day_

_For you are my sky_

_The words I wish to say_

_All filled like blue in your eye._

_I wish you could hear my heart_

_The way it's beating for you_

_My best work of art_

All for you too

_My eyes are the trees_

_Yours are the ocean_

_You are my simple need_

_And with that comes this notion_

_I love you_

_I see you_

_You see me_

_But I want your love too._

_It hurts like hell_

_The way I fell_

_And it's swell_

_How I can't get up from this well._

_I see you._

_But do you see me too?_

_Of course you don't_

_You never will._

_You see her_

_And always will._

"My heart breaks more and more, as I see you with her, but I've been through this before where my vision becomes a blur"

Negan finishes and to his suprise he's finished that with tears in his eyes. He laughs because it's the same thing he was talking about, blurry vision caused by tears. 

He wipes away his eyes, but more tears keeo streaming down, he hasn't looked at anyone at, he hasn't looked at Rick yet, but he doesn't want to. He takes his bookbag and places it his poem on Hershel's desk before leaving the class and walking to a bathroom. He just needed to cry and he was not going to do it in class, that's awkward as fuck for everybody.

He skips the rest of that period trying to contain the unbearable pain swelling within his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not to sound egotistical or anything but that poetry was good.  
> Like that was so good, sad, but still good.  
> Anyways the next chapter will be way happier. Hope y'all enjoyed ❤


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screams into a void*  
> 😀 hi babies. I just want to say I hope everyone of you are enjoying this so far. And thank you for reading it.  
> Comments are always welcomed😐 deadass. Leave me feedback on my fanfiction or I will cry lmao. :|  
> Anyways here you are💖  
> *goes back to screaming into the void*

Negan had left a thick sad tension in the class after storming out, the surreal amounts of hopelessness and despair swiming in the air, leaving a cold and miserable tempature for everyone.

Rick had listened to every word Negan had spoke. He listened to every detail in his poem that were all too similar about him. 

' _Negan couldn't possibly like me_ ' Rick thought, trying to piece together what the hell was going on. ' _N_ _o_ ' he laughed in denial. But it all made sense the more he thought about it, especially Negan's out-of-character words from yesterday; " _You're probably just going to continue to hurt me Rick, whether you're trying to or not it doesn't matter..._ "

'It can't be. There's _no_ way.' Rick was stunned, his denial making it more of a realism. "Welp, Mr. Negan certainly had emotion" Hershel started, an attempt to clear the lingering despair in the air. "10/10 for his preformance. Not only could you hear the heartbreak you could actually _feel_ it, and that, there children, is the literal hook that attaches the auidence to the creator. I do hope he is okay though." Hershel trailed off concerned. 

He clapped his hands "Alright, even though we are all deeply worried about Mr. Negan, he needs his space, and like they say, _the show must go on_. Whose next?" And with that the rest of 3rd period continued on, although the atmosphere never completely went back to normal afterwards. Rick just for the life of stop thinking about, _'if he has a crush on me why does he act like an asshole still_?' Like he said -or well thought- there was just no way. But that nagging voice in his brain could not go away.

After Rick's poem, which was about Lori, (of course), class had ended and Rick was on his way to 4th. He saw Lori in the hallway talking to Shane, walking over they both became flustered, not really flustered but they seemed off after Rick had walked over to them "What's going on here?" Rick said a smile on his face. "Nothing!" They both said simultaneously causing more suspension for Rick, preventing him from letting go of the weird way they were standing so close to eachother. Shane saw this and immediatley stepped away from Lori "Hey I'll see y'all later, I'mma be late for class." He said walking off. "Yeah alright, see ya at lunch." Rick waved. 'That's strange Shane doesn't care about school, 'specially if he's late or not.' A weird unwelcoming feeling creeped up on him and he didn't like it. God today was so fucking weird already, so he just blamed it on Negan, 'yeah it's Negan's fault.' Rick thought.

"Hi baby" Lori said after composing herself, it was still off putting but Rick didn't press it because it was Negan's fault for putting him off.

He felt a _very_ unwelcolmed blush start at his neck and spread to his face after thinking about the context of that last sentence. Lori saw this and was filled with false confidence thinking she made Rick blush because of her, ' _Just let her think that_ ' Rick thought for the better. "Hey baby, how are you?"

He pulled her close to his body, "I'm doing great a little tired and you know with my tests coming up and everything I feel really better-" Rick zoned her out as another thought of Negan intruded his brain. "Uh-huh that's great, listen I just wanted to tell you I love you." Rick said placing a soft kiss on her lips before pulling back. Lori skeptically looked him over "You feeling okay?" "Yeah sorry, I just need to use the bathroom real quick." Rick lied. He wanted to get away from Lori while he was thinking about Negan, it made him feel dirty. "Yeah okay, see you a little later" she said as she winked at him. 

He walked to his chemistry class trying to rid the thoughts of Negan out of his mind, today was again, a **really** _weird_ day. He took his seat at his lab table, Michonne and Carol already seated talking about the party that Sherry was susposed to be throwing in 2 days. 

"Is there going to be any drugs or booze?" Carol asked, Michonne and Rick gawked at her, she laughed at them, "Hey. Don't give me that, I happen to be able to adapt to the scene I happen to be in, open mindedly I may add, not many people understand how important of a characteristic that is." Rick and Michonne shared a look, "Well shit Carol" Rick didn't know what to say, he hasn't really come across the oppurtunity to try neither seeing as he was always doing the right thing, setting a good example like a good boy scout- he had an epiphany right at that moment that he should try weed. ' _shit after today you probably need it_ ' that voice in his head was back, ' _why can't you just go away already_?' He asked the voice ' _I'm your concious dumbass, I can't go away_ '.

Fuck isn"t that just great. 

Chemistry was more of a study hall that day, apparently their teacher was not there and they had a sub, they took the time to relax and chat like all the other students in there. Carol seemed to have her mind on her phone throughout their conversations, Rick wandered who she was texting that made her laugh out loud. "Whose that funny to be making you laugh over text?" She gave him a look, "Mind yours." Rick only gave her a blank face in return. After that lunch had came.

Usually Carol always sat at their table, but this time she was sitting with Negan, everyone else at the table picked up on this. "What. The. Actual. Fuck?" Asked Daryl. "I know." they all replied, looking over at how friendly the two of them seemed, talking it up and laughing, actually enjoying eachother's company. "Shit's weird." Shane had said before turning back, everyone else followed suit and soon their table was filled with the normal atmosphere it usually cartied. Rick kept looking at the two of them though. It was a strange sight to see how Carol and Negan, two COMPLETE opposites, were friends. ' _Guess opposites do attract._ ' He thought. But it was still weird as fuck for him.

* * *

At Negan's table, him and Carol were having a moment he never thunk would ever happen. It was one of those, "let's be sad together, but we are happy sad, teehee, let's also talk about the boys we like" moments. It was nice having someone kinda get where he was coming from and understand how he felt. Carol had apparently moved on from Ed, after understanding how toxic he truly was and had moved onto the basketball star Ezekial, to Negan's utter suprise, "Well damn Carol." Arat started "I didn't know you like 'em black." Carol's face heated so brightly, she laughed awkwardly ducking her head in a shy manner.

"Now Arat." Sherry started. "No it's fine Sherry, to be honest I never had a preference." She admitted "I mean well yeah that bit is obvious, you did indeed have feelings for a redneck cowboy sexist pig, and sorry for asking but what's the story behind there." Negan asked tongue in teeth, she met his gaze with a distant look "He was nice originally and he had this certain magnetism to his assholish ways afterwards, but honestly it was the eyes that made me drawn to him." Thrill went through Negan "You fucking see there, it's a fucking hex itself. Damn blue eyes, I swear." He exclaimed. Everyone laughed. 

' _Those damn baby blues._ ' Negan trailed off in thought, thinking about Rick, he looked over to see Rick, suprised to see him watching him from his table. Rick looked away after being caught staring. Negan swore he was imagining things when there was a cartain emotion to Rick's gaze this time, usually Rick held a curious, searching, or normality behind his eyes..this time it almost felt like he was just seeing Negan....

...the way Negan saw him. 

Negan laughed, ' _you're fucking crazy from all the sleep deprivation_ ' he said to himself. No way Rick saw him. He laughed again at the possiblity. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruh do you know how hard it is to write a heterosexual scene for a heterosexual couple. I gagged externally and internally about 37 times writing this. 🤮 fucking hate straight couples.  
> Anyways I hope your enjoying it, because it's going to get good ✌😏
> 
> Also side note, my eyes are actually Hazel and the funny thing about it is all of my crushes have had blue eyes 😐 but they were all straight. So not only do I have traumatic experinces with straight men, I also have mental scars because of blue eyes....
> 
> 😀 RAINBOW SUNSHINE SPARKLE GLITTER!!!!!!!!✨🍑💝💫🏳️🌈


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...this is angst. All of it. In the beginning it gets a lil heavy but then it settles into a calm ocean wave afterwards.👍
> 
> Hatterized if you see this or my other fic I will literally start crying then make a shrine for you in my bedroom and make you my new religion.
> 
> Anyways that's enough existentialism vs nihilism from the mind of a 16 year old introverted lonely gay kid. Hope you enjoy loves <3

Negan was at practice that Thursay afternoon, the school now gone quiet and empty as the day had ended. 

It was still cold but the sun was out, providing little warmth to them on the field, they only source was through their body movement burning their calories while it comfortably kept them hot in the sheer autumn air.

They were scattered around, their usual positions for a makeshift scrimmage, Negan was pitching a little faster that day than usual he was just venting like he always did when he was at practice. It helped him get over the void in his heart. His fastballs were about 84 mph and that wasn't all of his energy. Simon who seemed to be the only one to catch up with his speed realized this, "You alright?" He asked as they were in the dugout. "What the fuck do you think man?" Negan retorded edgy. 

"It's about that Grimes kid, isn't it?" "Fuck off Simon." Negan said tiredly "No Negan, you're caught up about some prick who's with someone already, you need to let that shit go man. Why are you choosing to hurt yourself over and over instead of simply letting it go and moving on, I understand how hard it is and how painful it is but at the same time I don't, beacuse you choose to bleed and hurt again and again instead of healing and moving on?" Simon said. His voice held anger to his words.

"Maybe you should fucking mind your fucking business Simon. That's why." Negan felt his blood boil. "Negan I'm your bestfriend. I will give you the truth no matter how hard, no matter how painful, no matter how fucked up it is, that is my job to you, and your business is my business, not only because of our friendship but because of the team **Dumbass** " he spat "You need to get yoyr mind of him, fuck somebody, and move on beacuse it's obvious how you're head is focused solely on Rick than our game tomorrow." And with that he shoulder checked Negan on his way towards the field. 

Negan grunted in frustration as he droped his head into his hands. He was severly vexed because he knew that the words Simon spoke were most of the majority true. He couldn't get over Rick to save his life, which in this case was somewhat on comparable considering he felt himself withering away internally the more he bled for Rick. He started crying a-fucking-gain, but this time not in sadness, not in despair but in anger. He wad angry at himself, at Simon, at Lori and especially at Rick. He was a fool madly blinded by his love Rick, and that fool he was continually going to be because he inadvertently gave Rick his heart.

Like the fool he really was. 

After spending some time managing to get his shit presentable he had cleared his mind from all the thoughts of Rick that had rooted themselves in his brain and walked out of the now empty dugout and put the rest of that emotional frustration asthe drive for the rest of his practice. It still didn't go away after they were finished. "All right fuckers, we all have a game tomorrow so don't fucking forget it, and come ready to destroy some shit." He said in their team huddle, they all breaked and went their seperate ways after that. Him and Simon didn't speak to eachother while on their way to the lockeroom, it was just another speed bump in their friendship that they were going to hit- and most definilty more afterwards- in their lives. That's fine. 

After changing from his sweaty sportswear and gathering his things, Negan made his way out of the lockeroom, still holding the silence between him and Simon. It wasn't the dark of the night that made it dark, it was the dark of the clouds holding a tempest gray to them, letting no light through, they consumed everything in the sky, storm clouds formed. Negan took a moment to just look at the sky. Just. And nothing else. He was beginning to wonder when it was going to start raining when at that exact moment it began pouring .down. 

He sighed contendly at the wetness the sky brought down, closing his eyes and letting the water trickle down his hair then his face and lastly his body, "Rick." He said in a soft voice out loud, his mind began swarming with the boy that held that name. Negan dropped his head and stared at the puddles that were beginning to enlarge on the ground. He vaguely saw his reflection as it danced on the black concrete. He sighed again, this time through his breath. "Is it so wrong for us to be? Is it that weird? That upsetting? That fucking big of a deal that I have to suffer while watching you be happy with someone other than me?" He voiced to the air, phantoms only hearing his monologue. "It hurts Rick, it hurts so fucking much you have no idea." He laughs "You _really_ don't in all literal sense. And I'm just letting you do it too, and why? Beacuse no amount of force out there will make me stop loving you."

He felt tears roll down his eyes mixing with the water from the rain, he was soaking now. Standing in the rain talking to himself out loud, about his love for a boy that is incapable of loving him back, he laughed again as he thought about that, but every spasm of air leaving his body in a humorless way only made the ache in his chest more painful. "I fucking see you." His voice broke this time, "i just wish you saw me too." And with that he went to his car, not even caring that he was drenched in water and made his driver seat a puddle in the dryness of his vehicle as he drove home in the rain.

Simon was there, unnoticed by Negan. He had listened to the words his bestfriend spoke and even he felt the overwhelming sadness his friend was going suffering, after watching Negan leaved he had regretted his earlier words to him, but if the chance came again, he **would** tell him all over again, if it meant Negan didn't have to go through this hell. He shook his head as he realized he too was wet, ' _just fucking great_ ' he mentally sighed making his way to his car.

* * *

That Thursday's afternoon rain never let up, making it Friday's weather and wouldn't you know the atmosphere had returned to that quiet slow atmosphere it was Wednesday. 

Negan was numb that day, after standing in the rain, giving his sad speech to water droplets and emptiness -to his knowledge- the coldness he felt after he got home never went away. Instead it absorbed into his skin and took home in his chest. He was grateful for it as he now didn't have to feel the physical pain he usually did whenever he thought about Rick Grimes. Which was ALL THE TIME. He was at his locker this time in the morning, instead of shoving papers into it he was cleaning papers out of it, it was like some sort of weird alternate de ja vu that played on that morning. 

Rick walked over to Lori's locker, and of course everything seemed to slow and darken in the background around him, but instead of like Wednesday, Negan was not staring with any sort of giddy this time. The butterflies that had inhabited his stomach filling him with a shy happiness were all killed, their tears lied on the bottom of his stomach filling him with bashful dread. Negan sighed a sad sigh as he watched the boy he happen to love cross over to his girlfriend. Instead of jealousy, envy and selfish rage the only emotion he was welcomed with was melancholy. He watched them talk with smles plantered across their faces before finally having enough of the early morning pain and turning away closing his locker with a soft slam.

Even though Rick was talking to Lori, he had swept a glance behind her to look at Negan at his locker, he had a certain emptiness played on his face while he looked into his locker distantly before closing it softly. He turned back to Lori, telling her she was beautiful before they kissed their goodbyes.

In his 3rd period, Negan sat silently in the back of the class, he had asked Glenn the quiet smart kid to trade with him. He was rather confused by the question but still complied after realizing Negan was going through it. Rick caught onto this, when he watched the two of them trade seats, it only made him feel worse thinking that it might be beacuse of him. 

"Alright everybody, for todays points, all you have to do is tell me a song, any song, that relates to you, your poem, and your emotion." Hershel moving to the front ofthe class. "That's it?" erupted from the collected voice of the class. Hershel laughed "Of course not. Give me a few lyrics of that said song to further convey the connection." Everyone groaned. He just couldn't listen to the song itself huh? 

"Rick, why don't you start since you were last." Rick coughed and sat up "..Ok, um the song I would have to choose would be probably 'Lovesong' by Adele, the words at the beginning really hit me the most ' _Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again._ ' She says that 2 times in the intro of the song and it just makes me think about me and my girlfriend." Rick states. Everyone gives a collected sound of approval at that song, besides Negan, who simply lowers his head and eyes in silent heartbreak, Rick turns to look back at him seeing him look down at his desk with a hurt expression he didn't know how to feel about it so he turned back around. 

As everyone in the room spoke about their song and gave Hershel their lyrics that related to them a sort of staleness filled the air as Negan was getting closer and closer to being picked. "Last but not least.." Hershel hesitated a bit before he continued. "Mr. Negan, tell me, what song speaks to you the most and what lyrics accompany them?" Negan looked at him his eyes half lidded with an empty blank expression, "The song I'd have to choose would be 'On Melancholy Hill' by Gorillaz." Everyone turned to look at him, he didn't want to look at Hershel anymore now that he had the attention of everyone in the class, but something had struck him at that particular moment. Something so out of the blue, so spontaneous, so fucking weird. 

He shifted his attention to Rick, already looking at him like the others, he continues "the instrumental in the background is filled with an emptiness, but the singer of the group, 2-D, his voice is soft and peaceful, almost as if he's trying to comfort us in while everything is falling apart." He looks down, before looking up at Rick again who has this soft sadness. " ' _Up on Melancholy Hill there's a plastic tree..are you here with me? Just looking out on the day of another dream. Where you can't get what you want, but you can get me._ ' It's like there's this distant hope in him, that he and the person he loves can be sad together. Even though they're both sad, they would still be together, and that gives happiness in itself. Being with the person you love and not being alone, especially not when you're sad." Negan states. Rick looks at him in complete bafflement, before his eyes are drawn together and he gives him a sympathetic frown.

Negan looks away, feeling his eyes water a little, ' ** _NO._** ' he tells himself, willing the emotion away he looks back at Hershel seeing a hidden praise at his response. "That relates so well to my poem and my emotions." Negan finishes. Hershel gives him a nod and the rest of the class turn back around, except Rick. "I am sorry for what you and your heart are going through Negan, I can only be a shoulder for you to cry on and another placement for you to vent to, the heart is many things, it's it's own organ, and it has it's own emotions. But I hope that it feels better and stops getting tortured." Hershel states, his philosophical tone hinted with consolidation. "Thanks, I'm getting more and more numb already." Negan sighs before flashing one last gaze at Rick. Rick's face held a commiserative look, an unspoken apology strewn across his face.

Negan shook his head, laughing a butter cold laugh. He looked away. And class resumed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my beautiful followers. I just wanted to let you know that I, a fashionable gay teenager, have no INKLING of an understanding when it comes to baseball. I've sadly had the horrible experince of engaging in soccer, baketball and football but never baseball.  
> Fun story my dad threw accidentally threw a baseball at my nose when we were playing catch when I was younger, and From there on my first nose bleed was the foundation from my intense hatred I have for baseball teehee. (:
> 
> Anyways I tried to write this the best I could given the context of knowing very little. Please enjoy.

After class had ended, Negan gathered his things like always, he went to seek out Glenn. "Hey thanks for letting me sit there." Negan said, he gave a big smile that made him feel off, realizing he hasn't been smiling that much. Glenn who noticed this revelation too, brimmed with joy that he had made Negan feel better, even though they never talked, it just all added to the fact he made a smile cross on negan's face. "Of course man, I umm..-I hope whoever you like likes you back." Glenn said, he felt uncertain of his words, but Negan gave a bigger grin at him and clapped him on his shoilder hardly, almost knocking him off balance "Thanks nerdy-mcgee." His voice held no harm to his teasing and Glenn laughed appriciating his wit.

Negan turned away and started walking, he was about 6 steps into the hallway when he heard that voice. "Negan." He stopped at the voice, everything inside of him froze, it was only a matter of time before he saught him out after what he said in class. Negan dropped his head and exhaled with defeat. He turned around and looked at Rick. "Yeah blue eyes?" Rick walked closer to him. "Negan I'm sorry, I feel so awful." Rick began. A strong desire to make Rick feel better and shoo away the brokeness he held in his voice, placed itself in Negan's mind. He raised an eyebrow, "Why are you apologizing? 'S not like you did shit." "I'm apologizing because I'm hurting you." Rick stated. Negan rolled his eyes. "I'm pretty fucking sure we already had this convo if I recall correctly." Negan said feigning a look of thoughtfulness.

"Yeah we did, but I don't give a fuck about it. Whenever you hurt someone you apologize to them afterwards, it's not fucking right." Rick's voice held a defiance towards them, his anger was a calm quiet storm. Negan chuckled. "Tsk tsk fucking tsk Rick Grimes, I've told you this before. How many times do I have to repeat myself?" Negan asked "I don't care how many times you tell me to stop apologizing Negan. I don't fucking care. I keep hurting you, and I'm always going to apologize about it, especially because I can't like you back, not when I already have a girlfriend." The numbness in Negan transformed into a sinking pit in his stomach. "Well, like I fucking said Rick. Save your sorry ass apologies for someone who wants them. I don't your pity, your sympathy, or any of that fucking sad shit, all I want is one simple thing, I just want you to _see me. Yo_ u have the power to make all my pain dissolve into sweet happiness." He leaned closer to Rick's ear. "Just by looking at me like you look at her." He leaned back and looked at Rick's face. Rick looked trapped between a rock and a hard place.

Rick looked away and a hollow expression filled his eyes. "No matter how nicely I can put this it's still gonna hurt you. Negan I can't. And i'm sorry about that. I'm sorry how I'm breaking your heart, I'm not trying to but I am. I'll never stop sayin' sorry for it." Rick avoided Negan's look of extreme anguish "But that don't mean we can't be friends though, surely that would be better than bein' enemies?" Rick perked up hopefully, his blue eyes shined with optimism. Negan shook his head, now it was his turn to look away in the distance. "I'm sorry but no. If I can't _have_ you then I don't fucking want you at all, that shit'll just fuck with my head more." He said. The atmosphere between them filled with despair, Rick felt like he wanted to cry. Negan looked at him "It's fine Grimes. Just go back to bein' fucking extremely fuckin' pretty and happy with your girl." Negan watched with curiosity as Rick's face heat up at his words. He gave him a wink and a dirty smirk "But just know I'll **always** be here to take over." Rick's face turned even more redder at the way Negan had said it. Negan laughed at Rick's expression. He looked like a deer in the headlights. He walked away feeling a little better, but even more empty. 

**< - _Major_ page break-> **

He and Simon still weren't talking to eachother and Negan wanted to cave and apologize for being an asshole, but he was too much of an arrogant bastard to drop his pride and make up with him. ' _This is what happens when testostorone gets to your brain idiot_ ' a voice in his head spoke, he told it it could whole-heartedly fuck off before ignoring it. At their game they were in the duggout, huddled in their team circle. They were recieving a pep talk from their coach. It was still rainy but not half as bad as it was originally. Their game was still planned and followed through, the field was muddy and gross and everything was wet, but that's sports for you. Their rival school team a half hour away district from them was there. And the audience was filled with the school's staff, students and parents. His team breaked, making their way onto the field. 

" **NEGGAAAN!!!!!!** " his name was being shouted in the crowd by his friends from his lunchtable. He laughed at them, shaking his head smiling he walked to the pitching position, his eyes automatically locked onto a familar baby blues, he threw a devilish grin at Rick who in return looked away flustered, he was sitting with Lori in a cute little navy poncho with the hood drawn over his head. After the eye contact, the game was announced to start. It was fairly comfortable throughout the game, Negan would toss a perfect strike at the umpire, making the rivaling team's batter walk away either infuriated or embarrased. Rick was in the stadium watching him, he couldn't help but noticed -over the very loud shouts of people gathered to watch- that Negan's stance was somewhere elegant, damn near perfect, his fastballs were just a streak blur across the air, earning top notch speed, 89 mph. The way his muscles contracted, the way his body moved, the way his face looked differently because of the hat resting backwards on top of his hair. Rick noticed all of these things, he was mesmerized at seeing Negan in his element. He understood at that moment why Negan was the _Varsity Captain_...and he had a crush on _him_. Rick's breath caught in his throat, Negan was a fucking star in their school, and he had a crush on _him_?! 

Not liking what that thought was possibly insinuating Rick cleared his mind.Thankfully Lori broke him out of whatever weird thought process he was winding down. "Baby look Shane's up." Lori said excitedly "GO SHANE!!!!!" she screamed. Rick watched as Shane stumbled upon the home base, bat in hand. He shot them a quick warm look before returning his gaze to the pitcher. He didn't hit a home run, but he did hit it pretty far. But no matter how muddy it was, the other team had some type of super speed, they had caught it. Shane was out. He walked off the field with his head low, and Rick felt sorry for him "Nice try bud." The voice of the crowd had cheered sadly. Negan was up next. He walked onto the plate, giving his bat a nice few swings. Rick's eyes widened when Negan caught his gaze and pointed at him, drawing the rest of everyone else's attention his. Negan made some hand signals, first two fingers at his eyes, then he swung his bat, and then he pointed outwards. Rick caught on, Negan was telling him to watch him hit a home run. It's amazing how far away he was, he still felt him right in front of him, like he did earlier that day, in the hallway. He shook his head 'Don't fucking think about that.' He told himself. Watching Negan, get in his ready position, bat in the air hands grasp tight around it. Rick watched in a daze to see if Negan was really going to follow through. The pitcher got in his stance, raised his knee, shoulders moving with, and finally released all the tension in his body as he threw the ball with the release of that energy. 

It was fast. Rick couldn't even see it through the light rain, in that moment it felt like he was watching the world through slow motion, even the rain seemed to pause, the only thing he saw was Negan. He watched his focused expression on the ball, and he watched him move faster than light itself and swing his bat at practically nothing. Rick was only aware of a faint ' _Dink_ ' sound as he heard the metal bat make contact with the ball. He saw the ball fly into the cloudy rainy air, he followed it never taking his eyes off of it as he watch it began to drop down coming back to Earth, he watched it go out of the field and into the the defined wooded area behind the stadium. His breath left his body. He was beyond stunned. The crowd was silent for a moment, they too just as amazed as he was before deafining loud cheers all in differnet pitches erupted from around him, filling the void in the air with their cries. Rick watched on as he saw the 3 team members make their way back to the home plate, first Simon, then Aaron, and lastly Negan. Negan wasn't running though, he was skipping happily, taking his merry little time around. 'Fucking smug bastard.' Rick thought with amusemnt. 

After the last inning the score was 18-21. The other team had played a good game, but in the end met defeat. Negan was met with a full wave of bodies knocking him down "Jesus **f** **uck** guys" he groaned as he was thrown to ground by his team members. He was picked up and lifted up by a vast majority of arms " **WOAH OKAY**!!" He laughed not expecting it, smiling Negan searched amongst the crowd for Rick for a minute until he saw the blue eyed boy fitted in green. Rick smiled at him with a warmness that had melted the icy pain inisde his heart.

* * *

"Hey" Negan said grinning up at Rick walking towards him in the empty dugout. He was getting his things together after changing in the lockeroom, there still a little mud on his face and hair which was curling up because of the the rain and the misty atmosphere. "Hey." Rick gave, still thawing the inside of his frozen heart with that same smile. "Did you fucking see that?" " 'Course I did Negan, it was fuckin' epic." Rick said radiating warmth with his happiness. Negan felt his cheeks warm as he witnessed the most perfect fucking creation on the planet in front of him. "I did it for you." He says, that wamth is gone and replaced with bitter chill. Rick frowns at him, the tension gets thicker "I'm sorry." Rick lools away unsure of what to do, Negan just laughs it off and finishes packing his stuff. "Just fucking shut up and watch the rain with me." Negan says even though it was more of a demand he still left room for Rick to leave if he wanted to in his tone. To his delight Rick just scoffs and sits on the bench with him and joins him watching the rain.

It wasn't awkward but that same tension never left, the overwhelming feeling of despair, Rick sighs deeply. "...is this how you feel everytime you see me and Lori?" Rick says breaking the heavy silence. Negan looks over to him, just studying him before turning away and smiling to himself. "Pretty much." Negan says, Rick just deepens his frown. He scoots over closer to Negan on the bench to where there's no space between them, and Rick rest his head on Negan's shoulder. It suprises him, but it turns into contentment, as he turns back to watching the rain fall and the gray clouds move around. "I'm sorry." Rick says, his voice vibrates on Negan's arm "It's ok." Negan's voice breaks and he feels tears run down his already wet face.

Rick felt his pain, he felt it as if it was his own and it hurt him, he also felt the little shakes from Negan, realizing he was crying and that hurt him more. Although the rain and distant cars filled the sad empty air, it was still quiet. Rick pulls out his phone and goes to spotify before typing in 'Melancholy Hill' in the search engine before it starts to play. It makes Negan cry harder and Rick just hugs him as a way to comfort him but in the end he's just hurting him more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will always say, at the end of the day that symbolism is by far, the only thing that gets me hard. 🥰


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for teenage action in the beginnig of this, it's nothing TOO sexual but it's still there. I however can make all the teenage pornagraphy I want since I am 16 years old, and not under the age to feel morally corrupt or perveted for writing underage children fucking like you bitches, since i myself am underaged. And i said what i said. Ahh😝
> 
> My way or the highway. <3

Rick and Negan were swimming in some lake, it was the middle of summer and Rick felt how the heat and humidty of the day had stuck to his skin making him sweaty, but the cool hydration of the water they were in had nourished his body. He felt the water in a sensual way, how it healed every tight stressed out muscle in his body, how it also refreshed his mind giving it a mental massage, he closed his eyes as his body was engulfed with the magic water, letting out a pleased sigh. Negan swam up to him, Rick opened his eyes when he felt heat in front of him deluge his body, meeting Negan's passionate Hazel gaze. Negan stared at him in a way that made Rick believe he was trying to see all Rick's life, past present, and future. Negan had moved his rather large hand to Rick's cheek, cupping gently at his face. Rick felt the heat it produced, he even leaned into it, silently asking for more of his touch. "I see you, blue eyes." Negan had a deep soft tone to his to his voice in that moment and it drove Rick _crazy_ to absolute madness. "Do you see me?" Negan asked his expression had changed into a more deep one Rick just could not describe. "Yeah, Negan." Rick said breathlessly. Negan smiled in pure happiness at his words. He leaned in, and Rick realized Negan was trying to conduct a beautiful intimacy between the two of them. And Rick felt a nice pleasure warm his body in the cold water, he leaned in meeting Negan's tempo.

Rick could feel and hear a perfect harmony as their lips found one another's in a kiss that held unprecidented amounts of passion behind it. He felt the soft warm lips pf Negan's on his, how expertly they moved on his, sort of in a protective way. It made Rick melt right there in the water, and he opened his mouth to get more of this bliss. When Negan opened his mouth to futher indulge their kiss, his tongue met Rick's and they danced together in an open mouth song of two different rhythms meeting eachother wave, tune, and pitch. Rick surrendered everything to Negan in that simple kiss, and Negan guided him, as if he was the security of all his vulnerbilities. Rick let out a moan that came out on it's own accord. He pulled back, breathless and lips tingling, his tongue felt like jelly, as crazy as it sounded. He felt Negan wrap his muscled arms around him and pull him closer to his body. Rick rested his hands on Negan's well built chest, feeling the impressive firm muscle of flesh under his fingertips. Rick lowered his head as tried to catch his bearings "Negan." He felt Negan's large hands travel down his back, until they stopped at his swim trunks, before going inside and taking rest on his posterior, and squeezing both cheek firmly.

-

Rick jolted awake in his bed, he was panting and his body was so warm. He looked down saw his shirt was drenched in sweat, he pulled back his comforter and saw he had a wet spot on his bed and his boxers, he also had a hard on. Rick groaned falling back onto his wet pillow, "Great just fuckin' great." He said aloud, not only did he have the pleasure of experiencing that weird ass dream, he had to have a nocturnal ejaculation because of it too. 

He didn't want to reflect on any of this, he was with Lori, he _loved_ Lori, his heart was _Lori's_ and for _only Lori_ , period. But his mind kept inhabiting Negan and the emotions he were growing for him just kept putting a strain on him. It was conflicted him so fucking much, there was no reason why Negan should be in his mind. His relationship with Lori was fucking everything to him, he loved that girl as if thete was nothing else in the world, why the fuck was he thinking about Negan? Let alone, having a fucking _WET DREAM_ about him?! He decided that that was enough thinking, he didn't want to know why or figure out why. He loved Lori, he was with Lori and that was final. After washing his sheets and showering Rick just took to his social medias, he saw on his twitter that people from school were talking about Sherry's party today and he totally forgot about it. He actually wanted to go, he knew Carol and Michonne were going. He texted Lori. "Hey babe, you wanna go to th@t party tonite?" A couple of minutes went by before he got his response back from her " _I can't I'm sorry baby :^( i have to babysit tonight. You should still go though, heard it was be batshit crazy awesome <3_ "

Rick let out a disappointed sigh. "Yeah alright, love you." He texted ending it with a heart emoji, " _love you more ;)_ " she replied, and Rick felt his heart skip a beat and a smile pressed his lips at reply. He got up from the living room couch to go ask his parents if he could go to the party tonight and of course, earned a yes, but they gave him a curfew at 12. After agreeing to their terms he had texted asked Maggie for a ride over there, she had said yeah. He went to pick out an outfit, but the thought of dressing up for a party full of hormonal teenage delinquencey just made him laugh. He chose a beige hoodie, some blacks jeans and yellow converses. Maggie came around 7PM and he said his goodbyes to his parents before walking out of his house and getting into his ride for the night. 

On the drive to Sherry's house, Rick found himself thinking about Negan and that weirdass dream he had tried to ignore originally. He thought about how he literally came thinking about Negan touching him, kissing him, how close his body felt so go good up against his own. It wasm't at all fucking real but it _felt_ like he was living it through another life. He got mad at hiself as he got hard from thinking about that dream, but damn, the way how Negan kissed him made him throb. He felt shame and disgust settle in his stomach when he reinforced to himself he was with Lori. She was the only persom he was susposed to be having dreams about, the only person he was susposed to be getting hard too. Not some damn sexy talented athletic egotistical assine jackass who happen to have feelings for him. Rick had to stop thinking about that, he shouldn't be feeling lucky that Negan liked him, but he couldn't help but feel special. He just shook his head and emptied his thoughts, turning up the radio at the song playing -Pink Clouds by Natavia- and stared off in the distance.

He felt concious fight with itself. Split into two, one pulling him towards Negan, and the other pulling him towards Lori. This was not susposed to be happening, but it was. He gave a tired exhale and closed his eyes, leaning into the back of the seat. He fell into a peaceful darkness take over his brain, muting his thoughts for the time being, happy that the internal fighting had stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you noticed, I switch POV's with the two of them, and you can really see that in this Chapter. This is like the actual first time I made a chapter all about Rick and you could actually see how different the two of think, feel, and act. 
> 
> I just thought I should share that, it suprised me and i'm the damn author lmfao💀 anyways I hope you guys like the way I'm doing this and are enjoying the story.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to give some warnings for this chapter chile, oml😭
> 
> ⚠️⚠️Okay first off, writing about use of drugs and intoxictaed minors.  
> Secondly!! Use of homophobic language.  
> And last but not least, a scene where these two teens go at it. (I'm not telling yoy who because that'll just spoil it (; )⚠️⚠️  
>    
> This chapter is wild. It'll really put you on doozy💀💀 and I'm sorry if you guys get thrown off course beacuse of it, but I like the way I was able to bring it all together in the manner I did. It was unique and not most Regan fics do this. 🥰 so yes I am giving kudos to myself. 
> 
> Anyways, I REALLY hope you guys like it and stay with it after this.

Rick woke up by a gentle nugde on his arm. "Hey we're here, you feelin' ok?" She asked him, "Oh yeah, jus' rested my eyes for a lil' bit." He said. Maggie looked him over for a few lingering seconds before shrugging and responding with okay. They got out of the car and started walking up the driveway full of teenagers with red cups and some with weed in their hands. They entered the house and was instantly met with a an overwhelming loud smell of pot, **booming** dance music, flashing LED lights all over the house, and more teens with cluttered in large groups here and there throughout the the incredible large space of the house. Sherry damn near lived in a fucking mansion. He looked at Maggie uncertainly, who only grinned at him with excitement. He felt that same excitement began to fill into his body, as he soon returned her smile. "Well, geez Maggie, guess I'll see you later." Rick said awkwardly rubbing at the back of his neck in a tense fashion. Maggie just rested a hand on his arm "Hey, It's a fucking party Rick. You're _allowed_ to have some fucking fun." She told him. He met her gaze that only held unwavering reassurance back at him. He felt his body physically relax at it. "Yeah alright." He said. 

They drifted apart after that, going in opposite directions. Rick felt completley out of place. The party had some sort of 80's rave club vibe to, he felt like he was in a scene in that show Euphoria. The energy of this party was completley endearing and adventerous. Rick made his way through the crowd of endless bodies. He found his way to the ever elegantly designed kitchen, the architecture of this house was fucking something else. Some kids were around the kitchen island taking shots in some sort of game, the cries of excited laughter and yells were nothing compared to the music still being blasted throughout the gigantic house. Rick looked around, his eyes landed on Carol who was with Ezekial laughing while indulging in their own drinks, Rick walked over to the pair "Rick!!" Carol's eyes instantly brightened upon the discovery of her friend. He gave an open smile, "Hey Carol, Hi 'Zekial" he said, Ezekial nodded at him in a greeting presence. "Rick, sweetie. Why are your hands empty?" Carol frowned looking at his hands. Rick spluttered not at all expecting to be met with such a question. 

"I...uhm..I-" Carol turned around grabbing a red solo cup off the counter before turning back to him, "Here." She said, he took it hesitantly, heart speeding up with panic. "Carol I really shouldn-" "Rick. Shut up, and just drink it, you are failing miserably at pasaing my vibe check the way you're all tense and everything. Just let loose and relax, it's ok." She cut him off, her tone nor her gaze holding any room for opposition. Rick exhaled deeply, before placing the red cup to his lips and tilting his head backwards welcoming the taste of what he believed to be sprite tequila, and some sort of mix. It actually tasted good. He downed it, Carol and Ezekial both cheering him on. After finishing it, he felt a little tipsy. ' _Definiltey a fucking lightweight_ ' a voice inside his brain stated. Rick told it to kindly shut the fuck up. His body had released his inhibitions, along with all the tightness he felt as he became more loose. "How you feelin'?" Ezekial asked him. Rick burped in a gross manner, earning a laugh from Ezekial and a sound of utter disgust from Carol.

"Hey I think I'll catch you guys fucking later." Rick said he suddenly felt a wave of positive optisim wash over his body. They both laughed and told him to be careful before saying their quick goodbyes. Rick made his way to the back of the house and was hit with the cold night air, thanful he chosed his hoodie. He vaguely observed his surroundings; more drugs, more booze, more teenagers, and more voices. It was still the same as he was in the house before catching up with Carol, alone in a crowd. He felt that earlier optisim he had began to morph into sadness. He was alone, and he didn't want to be. He hoped he would see more of his friends but eiher they weren't there are they were completley lost in the mix of foreign bodies and limbs become one in the background. He walked over to the pool chairs that were and along with the pool, empty. His thoughts swarmed to Lori. He felt a pang of betrayal that she didn't come with him, but insisted how he went without her anyways. She would automatically know he would be alone, why the fuck would she do that to him?

Rick shook his head, laughing to hismelf, dissolving his anger into comedic joy, he realized he was definitley drunk at how he suddenly had 5 fucking mood swings all in one minute, the way his thought process just traveled on it's own was what really made him laugh. "Shit." He smiled to himself, looking down at the pool water. After a few moments of just sitting there gazing at the smooth movements of still water with serenity, he heard the laughter of a group of people come closer to him from his back. "Sherry major fucking kudos to you, this party is fucking bumpin' " Rick heard Sherry laugh before accomponied by her voice "Yeah, I know. I'm just _that_ bitch." he turned around and saw Negan's friend group walk closer towards him. As they turned left of him, his eyes met Simon's whose gaze was filled with a col dead stare that made Rick's fight or flight response kick in before he turned away and walked to his other friends. All of them excpet Simon, didn't pay him any attention while they walked, and Rick noticed at that moment that Negan wasn't with them. Taht was odd. Negan never talked to anyone, besides them and maybe Carol, where the fuck else could he be?

But then Rick's intoxicated mind began to be filled with the memories of last night, and his wet dream about Negan, and at that same moment he heard that infamous cursed voice. "CAN YOU FUCKERS SLOW DOWN?! I swear I take one fucking shot and you guys fucking vanish. What the fuck?!" Negan was directly behind him, and Rick felt his heart speed up and sweat build on his forehead. ' _Fuck._ ' he mentally cursed. As a way to escape the very unasked for meeting between the two of them, Rick curled in on himself, making himself smaller in the chiar, ducking his head and pressing his body against the already firm hard back of the it. 

It didn't work. 

Negan had at first been completley oblivious to his presence but until he turned to looked down while walking left away from Rick he saw him. "Well if it isn't the boy who I love!" Negan exclaimed, smirk plastered on his face. Rick felt his face heat up, and he shrunk in on hisself somewhere, praying that Negan walked away. He didn't get the message by Rick's akward expression and uncomfortable silence, and took the next pool chair right next to him. His face lit so much happiness and Rick saw how his Hazel eyes sparkled in with the moonlight of the cold night sky. Negan was wearing a black leather jacket a white hoodie, and some blue jeans. Rick didn't know why he was so interested in Negan's dress appeal all of a sudden. "Hey blue eyes, what brings you out here tonight?" Negan asks looking him up a down a bit and Rick notices that he's checking him out, and his blush comes back 10 times as worse. "Where's the lady friend you have, usually she's all over you 24/7 whenever you get a chance." He adds puzzled by the absence of Lori. "Why are you so worried about her, hmm.. if I didn't know any better I'd say you got a crush on her and not _me_ " Rick teases. He felt proud getting Negan flustered and watching him look dumb as he blushed and stutter out like an embarassed fool. "I- I- Fuck Grimes, I was jus wondering why you're here without your date." He says uncharacteristically shyly. Rick laughs at him. "I'm just busting your balls Negan, I know you have feelings for me and _me_ alone" he says with a certain pride that shouldn't be placed there "And as for Lori she said she had to babysit, but she told me to go to this party anyways." Rick answers looking back at the pool. He hears Negan make a sound of understanding before they bith go quiet. They both watch the languid water dance back and forth, to and fro with a subtle calmness like they had yestersay while watching the rain.

"You okay?" Negan asks "Yeah I'm good, what 'bout you? You seem to need that question more than me Negan." Rick teases again, and Negan laughs this time. "Yeah. Yeah I'm alright blue eyes, at least now that I'm with you." Rick meets Negan's eyes and is met with a tranquil emotion behind Hazel colored orbs. And Rick smiles warmly at him. "I want to try weed." Rick says right then and there, and Negan gives him a staggering look before he booms out with a loud laugh that Rick can feel vinrate in his body. Rick likes that sort of feeling and it makes him warm on the inside. "Shit Grimes, I'll let you hit it with me but I want you to be sure about it first. Can't have you flippin' a shit after it." Negan's eyes flicker back and forth between concen and amusement. Rick tilts his head and puffs out his chest in a macho manner "What's it fuckin' look like to you assface?" And both of them crack up at that, filling the night with more laughs. They stared at eachother after calming down, just and nothing else. Seeing the other in front of them, while the loud cheers and voices and music from the house behind them play on in the baclgrpund. "I'm sure Negan." Rick says softly. Negan gives him a nod "Yeah alright." He says getting up, he turns back to look at the loud house before returning to Rick. "I doubt you'd want to smoke in there, it's fukcin' crowded like a tornado drill. Come on, I know someplace." Negan says reassuringly and Rick follows him. They pass the pool, walked farther down Sherry's house, where a nice wooded area meets the end of the backyard. Without hesitation Rick follows Negan into it, and they walk a couple minutes in silence, the only sound was of the dead leaves and twigs crunching beneath their feet. The trees are completley cover the starry night sky, but they let in the light of the moon since they are all naked due to the autumn's presence. They are met with a little creak when they stop after 13 minutes. The water streaming down it sounded so fucking peaceful and the way the moonlight had reflected off of it made it look even more beautiful and Rick felt himself smiling upon it's sight. Delighted to witness nature's belle. 

He had almost forgot he was not alone when Negan's voice seem to take him struck him, "Fucking beautiful isn't it?" He asked as if thinking the same thing as Rick. "Yeah. I haven't seen anything more beautiful than this." Rick says astounished "I have." Negan says and his eyes look over Rick once more before a crimson color paints his cheeks and he looks away. Rick wonders why he was embarrased all of a sudden, but just shrugged it off. Negan is turned around and doing something by the way his arms and shoulders keep moving and Rick was about to peek over his shoulders to see what is was but just then Negan turns back around with a joint in his hand and Rick realizes he was rolling it. 'Oh' he thinks. Negan frowns "You sure you want to do this Rick?" He asks. Rick meets him in a stern way, "Yes Negan. I'm fucking sure I want to smoke that." And Negan laughs a little, before grabbing a lighter and lighting the blunt. "Just inhale it and blow out." He says giving a simple demomstration and letting the smoke blow into the air. "Yeah okay." Rick nods before receving the blunt. "Don't swallow the smoke either, shit'll fuck your throat." Negan warns. Rick felt a wave of fear and excitement swirl inside his chest, he's never done this before but he so badly wanted to. He exhaled, before placing the blunt to his lips and sucking inwards through his lips, when he felt his mouth full of smoke he gave it back to Negan, it gave a bad burn in the back of mouth and he hunched foward in a fit of violent coughing, eyes stinging in the process. When he was done he was aware of Negan's hand on his back, soothing up and down in a comforting gesture. "You're good. You're good. Just take deep breaths Rick." He admonished him and Rick followed his guiding statements, even though it was painful the more he gasped for oxygen and he kept coughing a little, but after a moment it started to dull down and he was able to breathe with less pain. Negan's hand was still comforting his back and Rick felt his body return back before he was coughing a victim of pneumonia. Rick got up and looked at Negan, "You okay?" He asked surreal amounts of fret. Rick just nodded and Negan brought hand up from his back and wiped the still present tears.

"It's always shit after the first hit, sorry. I shoulda told you." He says and Rick just smiles and shakes his head at him. "You wanna try again?" And Rick does so he shakes his head yes. "Alright, but be. Careful." He says. And he gives Rick the blunt and he takes another hit, this time more carefully and slowly and to Rick's pleasure, he doesn't cough and he blows out the smoke. "Yes. Like that. That's how you fuckin' do it." Negan praises him and Rick smiles brightly at it amd gives him the blunt. Thats how it goes until the weed is completely gone, Negan taking an expert puff then passing to Rick who just inhales the weed. After it was gone, Rick could most definitley feel the weed in his system, he felt more relaxed, more chill, more calmed and his brain was fuzzy with a pleasant cloudy mist. Of course he felt happy and giggly but that was what weed does. It makes you happy and make you feel like your on Cloud 9. "Negan." He says, he'a talking on his own accord, his brain had somewhere left his body and it was weird to not think about words and just say them. "Mm?" Negan asks looking over to him. "I'm high as fuck right now." Rick giggles, Negan laughs and they both share another chortle with tears of amusement in their eyes before calming down. He and Negan share a look with eachother, just stating, this time there was nothing besides the sound of peaceful water running to interrupt their stilness.

Rick giggles a little "Hi Negan."

Negan gives a little laugh too. "Hi Rick" he answers. 

And they just watch eachother, looking into the other person's soul and staring with a contentness that should both creep them out but they were too high to give a damn about. A cold breeze wafter through the wind and Rick shivered upon contact of it. Negan notcied this and raised an eyebrow at him "You cold?" And Rick nodded and brought his arms around his torso. Negan didn't take even a second to fill the space between them and press Rick's body against his. Rick was wecolmed with a wall of heat and 2 supporting arms wrapped around him. He melted into the source of the warmth as he buried his body deeper into it. "Do you want to go back to the house?" He heard Negan's voice from atop of him. "Nah, I'm too high to walk and it's too loud in there" he said. "Can we just stay out here?" He looks up at Negan. "Yeah." 

* * *

"You know if you were mine I swear to God we'd cuddle all the fucking time." Negan says. "That would sound nice, Lori never wants to cuddle believe it or not. Sometimes I don't even think she's my girlfriend" Ricks says thoughtfully. He feels a vibration in Negan's chest, meaning he was laughing. 

At some point they had gotten tired of standing and had sat against a big tree, with Negan's back against bark and Rick's back against Negan's warm chest, he was sitting in between his legs and Negan's arm were around his midframe. They were by the creak still enjpying the scenary.

"How come?" Negan asks "Well sometimes, she's just so distant to me but other days she just acts like they never happen, it's fucking confusing. And then she never wants to go out with me, or meet me halfway with plans." Rick's venting now, and it feels good. "I just don't know Negan." He says turning to look as some distant tress. "If you aren't receiving the same amount of energy that you're puttin' out then maybe it's time to move on donch'ya think?" Negan says above him and Rick takes a moment to reflect on it, that does makes sense, maybe he and Lori just aren't meant to be. Rick laughs at it. "You're jus' saying that so you can have me all to yourself." Rick says and he feels another vibration behind him feel his body. "Guilty." And Rick can hear his smirk. Silence dawns on them both and it's awkward this time. "God I wish you were mine Rick Grimes. You have no fucking idea." Negan says sadly. "You don't understand how much I _want_ to be _yours_ Negan." He says without thinking and he freezes. He hadn't meant to say that but he was still high, but deep down he knew that it wasn't because of the pot that was talking. It was his subconcious, he did want Negan, he just couldn't act on temptation. He was with Lori and that was final. It doesn't matter how deep or powerful his feelings for Negan were, he had to say "no" to them at the end of the day. "Rick...what does that mean exactly" Negan says catiously. Rick laughs a dry laugh. "Fuck do you think it means Negan?" He gets up from Negan's warm hold on him and immediaitley regrets it, the cold latches onto him quickly. "I fucking like you Negan. I have actual feelings for you, I been had them for a few days now. You don't understand how that works though. I just can't leave Lori and run away and be happy and gay with you, that's not how it works. I love you but I love Lori." He is talking with his hands now.

Negan stands up and gets close to him, their face were an **inches** apart. "You mean to tell me that you fucking like me but you are choosing her over me?! Rick you don't understand. I fuckin' **_love_** you. I love you more than any fuckin' thing in the entire world. My heart is quite fuckin' literally yours, and you like me back but no matter how much you're willing to fight it, you'd rather continue on hurting me than to actually give into those feelings and be met with something better than what you have already?" Negan felt a lump form in his throat and Rick felt his eyes water. "I don't kniw what you want me to say Negan." He says softly before looking away. Negan closes the distance between them. Forcing Rick to meet his emotional gaze, he seeks out Rick's lips with his own and that moment. He doesn't care for the repercussions afterwards he _needed to know_. He felt Rick's body tense before it relax and he felt him kiss back. The kiss between them spoke all the unspoken feelings of _want_ between the two of them, it shed light on the things that were hidden and it said things that couldn't be spoke. It was a moment of pure perfection where the world went still, all from Rick's lips on Negan's. But however they did need oxygen and Negan cursed the human anatomy for interupting that one pure bliss experience. He pulled back and he looked at Rick's face, both gasping for air. "I know you felt that." Negan pants. "I know you fucking felt how perfect that was Rick." Rick moves eyes downwards to avoid Negan's hawk eye gaze, but Negan just snatches his head in a lockful hold "Fucking LOOK AT ME!!" He shouts but it's not with anger, it's with desperation. Rick looks at him in a puppy eye look, and it makes Negan's heart flutter. "Rick if you tell me right now that you don't want me after feelin' that then I'll fuckin' let this all go and move on." Negan' voice was pleading. He held Rick's gaze for a lingering moment until Rick's tears finally spilled over and Negan felt him give into his hand "i'm sorry negan" he says. 

At that moment Negan's heart _fi_ _nally_ shattered. His breathing was sporadic, trying to breathe deeply through the unbearable pain, but he couldn't. He was fighting a battle with his tears and was loosing pitifuly. Rick could only witness at how he broke Negan's heart, he felt so so bad, but he couldn't give into temptaion. "negan im sor-" "jus' fuckin' shut up." Negan interrupted him and Rick did as he was instructed. Negan turned back and began walking the way that they came from and Rick followed him, putting as much distance as he could. His tears increased as he heard the painful cries of Negan trying to put together his now broken heart. His high was definitley blown after he watched the boy who loved him get hurt by him. Rick wrapped his arms around hisself, trying to guard off from the cold night air and the dreadful void it brought along it. "I'm sorry Negan." He said to himself while walking, rather Negan heard it or not, he was always going to apologize for hurting him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this entire chapter was A. LOT. but I hope y'all do like it, it kept changing everytime I wrote it. Idk 🥺 i just really hope yiu gusy are happy with it. 
> 
> Also I'm sorry making them cuddle and then make them the definition of pure angst, but i's all coming together, I hope you all stick to see how.❤ anyways thank you all for reading my material.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just the final part of the last chapter. All warnings mentioned previous still apply🧡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait...🤔 
> 
> I want to apoligize to most of you. It seems that most brilliant lovely GIFTED writers all use less...emotion.. in their fics. And I'm just like.
> 
> "Wow! You are really good! Did you sell your soul?" 
> 
> 😗 so sorry for not knowing how to use less emotion..um, until somebody gets me the fast pass to Satan so I can happily give him my soul, um..- I'll be using my depression for the rest of this fic.

When they arrived to the house Rick watch Negan grab a bottle of whiskey laying on the ping pong table and begin chugging down the miserability he felt. He turned back to Rick, gave him the most hate filled look Rick's ever came into contact with in his life, before walking over to his friends. "You look like shit." Dwayne says. Rick hears him lowly respond "I feel 10 fucking times worse than it." And Rick wanted to curl in on himself and disappear. He looks down, thoughts about how fucking phenomenal that kiss felt filled his mind. No words could describe how perfect, how fucking _right_ Negan's lips felt on his. The way Negan's warm tongue had danced along with his own, the way he tasted, the way he took away his breathe, the he pressed their bodies together, they almost felt like they were made for eachother. When he kissed Lori, it still felt like it was out place, like things weren't locking together the way that they should. Like there was something that wasn't right between them. But with Negan he was that missing item. He was the seasoning to his chicken, the zang to his zig. Rick quickly shunned away those thoughts, he would never be able to have it, **never**. He felt incomplete. He should only be thinking about Lori. He loved Lori. But he loved Negan too. He looked over to Negan's direction, he saw he was being watched with a quiet fury by Negan'a friend's. All of them had one all had the same heated intesity of anger behind their eyes, and Rick felt himself freeze under their gaze. It was a feeling one would have where there where being chased by a rabid dog. It was when Simone got up from the spot on the grass next to the pool pavement and began walking towards Rick threatningly that made his legs spring awake and bolt to the house. He didn't want to deal with it. He _Couldn't_ deal with it. Negan must've told them what happened, hence their anger.

The teenagers were still going hard inside the house, the scene never changed. Rick sighed and took a bottle of tequila placed on the counter and began washing down his conflictions. The burn in his throat was a welcoming distraction away from the bitter pain that plagued him. He hissed through teeth after finishing it. He senses were completley clouded, everything was a blur and he felt happy, and he wanted to dance. He drunkley stumbled his way into the living where most if the dancing was taking place and began moving his body wherever it decided _it_ wanted to move. The steady thumping beat, the polyphonic instrumental coming together, and of course the tones of the voices singing made Rick loose himself in the song. It was some type pf electro club song, Rick didn't care he liked it and he danced among the crowd to it. While in his drunkened element, Rick felt a larger presence loom over his backside and felt someone breath hot and warm down his neck. Rick laughed. "Negan, I THought yew were mad ah me" he slurred to the person behind him. "Baby, you are by far a nice little thing aren't you?" Negan whispered in his ear, except that didn't sound like Negan..

Rick was aware of something hard at the small of his back, and the hands traveled from his arms down over his chest and torso and finally rested on his hips, they brought him foward before moving him back into the very hard hard thing. Rick stopped dancing, he realized what was happening, the realization cutting through his drunked mind like a sharp knife mincing food. "Wait. Stop. Who are you?" Rick asked tensing up, the hands on hips turned him around and he was met with someone who did not at all look like Negan. His face was average, but he was out of shape and sweating, he had curly brown hair that looked quite unwashed, his eyes had a predatory darkness to them that made Rick shiver, he couldn't tell if they were brown, or hazel; they had blue in them but no amount of artificial light could reach them. He made a filthy smirk "My name's David babyboy, but you can call me Daddy" he said. Rick's fear skyrocketed, "No, I'm sorry, I don't like you, I don't even know who you are." Rick said trying to push out of David's hold on him. David only tightened his hold on him to a bone crushing grip it caused Rick to yelp out in pain. "Come on baby, don't be like that. Say why don't we go up to the one uh the room's up there and really get to know eachother?" Rick felt disgust and more fear began traveling up his stomach. "No I don't want that. Get off of me!" David growled and yanked his body once more. "Listen you little shit, I wanna fuck you so hard, wanna make you scream as I fill you with my cock. I know Negan is all over you, but surely he don't mind sharing."

"I don't know about Negan, but I don't."

Rick and his offender both snapped their heads at the voice, to Rick's utter delight Daryl had come to his rescue. Rick began mentally thanking him, wishing that Daryl was telepathic. David made a face of disgust at him. "Do I fucking know you?" "No, but you're going to get your dirty ass hands off my friend 'fore I knock your fucking teeth out." Daryl held looming dark edge to his voice that held all amounts of seriousness. A strong sense of here-in-the-moment washed over Rick and he began freaking out. Everything was too loud, everything was too bright, everybody was smooshed up against one another, he literally just got melosted by some fucking weirdo-

He felt pure sickness rise from his stomach, he pushed passed Daryl and the other kids that were in his way, bolting his way up the stairs, and into the hallway and the first door on the left he emptied his contents and bile into the toliet. His eyes watering as he retched foward and hurled the alcohol from his body. When he was finished he stayed there on his knees, shivering violently as his body temperature dropped rapidly. He needed to lay down. Getting up, flushing the toilet, rinsing his mouth with water from the sink was the hardest thing he's ever fucking had to do it seemed like in that moment. He exited the bathroom hands wrapped around himself in an attempt to stop his violent shivering and warm up- to no avail- he opened up a random door next to the bathroom forgetting entirely that this was a party and that teenagers fucking was part of the equation. He opened the door, the lamp on the nightstand casted an orange subtle glow in the room, pumpkin halloween glowed against the gray of the bed.

2 teenagers were currently occupied in it, and Rick felt that required warmth he had wanted seconds ago come hitting him in the face. There was a broad sculpted back that every time it moved the muscles flexed, the were a pair of smooth lower legs that were wrapped around that same back, the toes curling at the small of it. The room was filled with hoarse breathy moans, and the sheets were a mess at the floor in fromt of the bed. Rick wished that he could so desperately exit the door, that he should stop being a fucking creep and let them do their business in the security of these walls. He knew this was some voyeuristic shit, and unwelcolmed at that. But his body has been the ride of it's life and it was telling him "not this." It was not moving again, it was completley exhausted, the reason why Rick wanted to lay down in a nice soft rich bed, a similar bed that was being occupied by 2 teenagers fucking. He kept watching in horror, a similar type of horror he felt when he had went through Shane's phone out of curiousity and saw his search history. Was it the aftershock? The intial one? The one in the moment? Fuck Rick did not know, like how he did not know why he was just standing there at that door watching 2 people fu-

" _Mm fuck. Oh Shane._ " the girl moaned. 

"That voice sounded familiar" was the second thing that went through Rick's head. The first was THAT WAS HIS BEST FRIEND SHANE IN THAT BED. Rick felt even more guilty that he was watching his bestfriend fuck somebody.

" _Yeah Lori?_ "

That name was like an ominous ring throughout his ears.

Lori.

Rick's world came shattering down like his heart. Hot tears streamed down his face, betrayal, anger, sadness, heartbreak, and hurt came falling down like a high tide wave. He brought a hand to his mouth to stop himself from whimpering out, to muffle the ragid out-of-synch breathing. He could feel the enervation of this whole scene. "Rick, there you are I've been looking for you." A voice called out from behind him, the bodies stilled on the bed and Rick saw Shane physically tense, "Rick, what's the matter? What's wromg with you are you hurt?" Daryl asked coming closer now to the door. Daryl followed Rick's unwavering gaze to thw two bodies who were now frantically trying to get off one another, he saw the obvious distress of Lori and Shane when they met Rick's eyes. Both of their eyes- in return- growing as big as saucers, when they met Rick's. "Rick, man lo-" 

" **I FUCKING HATE YOU.** " Rick's voice broke a terrible way and Daryl wanted to put an arm on his friend's shoulder to try and make him feel better. " **You told me you weren't going to the party. You told me you didn't have feelings for Shane either. But why is it that you two are laying in some stranger's bed, fucking behind my back?** " Daryl notcied that the music downstairs has all of a sudden stopped. Rick was screaming, or well croaking, and his face was red. He couldn't have fought the tears that were literally streaming down his face if he wanted to. The tension in that room stuck like a leech to them, draining them of every last positive emotion that they had left. Lori went to move off the bed, a blanket that she picked up in the process to cover up tightly wrapped around her like a towel. 

"rick..." she doesn't know to say, her mouth opens and closes as if she waa about to speak but in the end she shrugs and shakes her head in defeat. Rick deserves more than that. "Fucking SAY SOMETHING!!!" he pleads, lips are quivering now. "I can't say anything Rick. What do you want me to say?"Lori asks frustrated. Rick storms across the room to her, taking her arms in his hands. "Tell me that this isn't what it is. Tell me that you're drunk or something.Tell me _why_? For the love of God Lori, tell me why him, when you told me you **Loved** me." Rick's begging, he's getting closer and closer to letting out the wails he trying so desperatley to hold back. "I do love you Rick" Lori has tears in her eyes, she presses a hand to his cheek. "But I need something more than this." She says brokenly. Rick flinches away from her as if she'd slapped him. As if he had been burnt by her, which it almost felt like he did. He stares at her lips now coming to a shaky scowl at her. Then they fall onto Shane and Shane looks away unable to meet all the hurt in those blue eyes. "Look at me." He says menancingly. Shane continues to be interested with the soft gray carpet. Rick walks up to him, fists balled where to the point where his knuckles are stark white. "I said "look at me." Rick says again, and by God did the tension get worse. Shane shakes his head no, he just can't look at Rick. He just can't. 

"You have sex with my girlfriend, and you're not man enough to look me in my goddamn eyes right afterwards. You're a fucking _pussy_." Rick says and anger courses through Shane, he snaps his gaze to meet Rick's icy soulless one. "Say that shit one more time." He says and Rick is in his face boring into him. "You are a fucking pussy." He said with equal anger as he did before. And all hell breaks loose. Shane pushes Rick into the nearest wall, and a flurry of punches follows suit. Rick's not fucking having it though, he ducks and tackles Shane to the ground. They tumble on the carpet, scraches and kicking until finally Shane is on top of Rick "She left you because you're a fruity fucking fairy faggot. I'm more of a fucking man than you are." Punching him in his right eye, and Rick lets out a yelp from the pain. His arm comes up and he puches Shane in his throat stunning him so he can get from under him, watching with glee when he saw Shane trying to breathe for life but fail. A sick sort of pride filled him and he let's it take over his body, dulling everything else out, seeing nothing but red. He punches Shane in his nose, being sure he broke it and then everything else is blur afterwards. The adrenanline in his body leaving him and he falls foward in overexertion, passing out.

When he wakes up it's to loud voices shouting. "You knew what you were fucking doing. You knew damn fucking well what you were you doing and it was still fucking your choice to do it at the end of the day!"

That sounded like Negan's voice. 

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT THOUGH!" That was Lori's voice 

He groaned opening his eyes, discovering his right eye was blocked by something cold, and saw he was in bed in a different room. Hewas so tired and just wanted to go to bed. He gave a deep tired sigh getting up and groaning when his body was telling him "no" like it was doing earlier. "Rick I'm so so sorry pl-" "Just shut up. I don't want you or your sorry ass apologies." He cut Lori off. He sat up against the headboard. Lori was sitting on the bed with him but she gave him some distance. "Rick." She's pleading now and Rick feels the hurt and betrayal all come boiling back to the surface. "JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE." His voice is raspy and it sounds horrible but he doesn't want to fucking deal with this shit. This party was fun but it all went to shit all too quickly. When Rick doesn't say anything else and refuses to meet her longing gaze Lori just mumbles a sorry apology before walking out of the room and leaving him alone with Negan. 

Negan.

He snaps his head over to him, totally forgetting that he's there with him. Negan is critically observing him searching for anymore injuries and it makes Rick feel warm. He sighs, "Hey blue eyes" Negan says softly into the silence. "Hi Hazel" Rick responds. He wants to go to sleep so badly. "Do you want to go home?" Rick shakes his head. "No, I don't want to be alone. Can I maybe go home with you?" Rick asks shyly and Negan just stares at him like he's grown 2 heads and them calmly nods. "Yeah, yeah that's cool Rick. Let's bounce then." He says and he's grabbing his keys from his pockets. Rick shoots his parents a quick text saying he's staying the night with Maggie. Their reply is a "Just be careful Richard." Getting up from the bed he stumbles foward and Negan catches him before he busts his face open. 

"I gotchu darlin'" he says and then he's helping him out of the mostly vacant house, those who were still there were either help clean up or still smoking or drinking. They reach Negan's car and Rick closes his eyes on the drive to Negan's house. He's woken up with a light jostle "What?" He asks completley forgetting where he's at. Negan laughs, "Princess you can either walk or I can carry you choose one." Rick really doesn't feel like walking. "Carry me." And Negan chuckles, he's surprisingly not teasing him, it's off and Rick feels uneasy because of it. He gets picked up bridal style amd then they are making their way into Negan's house, through some hallways and then finally Negan's room. Rick is too fucking tired to take in Negan's room. "Rick, you gotta change, those clothes look uncomfortable as fuck and they smell." Rick just glares at him and Negan laughs heartily, he goes to his dresser and pulls out a black shirt that has white text: 'Lonely God' on it. "Here. change into this." He hands him it and Rick strips his hoodie off takes it. It smells like Negan and it's and it's _so damn comfortable_. He also strips out of his jeans and kicks off his shoes. Negan strips out of his clothes, only leaving his boxers on. Rick's breath catches as he stares at Negan's body. He finally sees the glorious abs and the his dark patch of hair leading to Negan's- Rick looks back up to him, he's looking down at him with the most self-satisfied grin. "Nice view ain't it Ricky." He runs his hands sexually over his abs and then his dick and Rick blushes furiously. "Please get in bed Negan. I just want to fuckin' sleep." "Ok, damn." Negan huffs out in annoyance. "Gotta admit I do love it when you beg baby." He teases climbing in and Rick has half the mind to twist his nipple. 

Rick feels himself melt into a puddle when Negan pulls his body closer to his, he feels so warm and he feels Negan's heartbeat on his back, his arms wrap around him, blocking out anything and everything that isn't Negan. He lets out a contented sigh "Feel good?" Negan asks from behind him, " _Yessss_." Negan lets out a small laugh, and it's just like how they were back at that creek. But he's too tired to think about all that. "Goodnight Blue Eyes." Negan says, nuzzling into the back of his neck. "Goodnight Hazel." He curls into Negan more if that was possible and he's off to sleep like a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy3d. 
> 
> I'm not re-reading this, so if you see the typos and mistakes then mind yo damn business. Period.
> 
> Like I said. Somebody fast pass me an uber to Satan so I write like a soulles automaton. Deadass.  
> Oh the song where Rick is dancing to is Every Breath You Take Tik Tok I Wanna Fuck Mix- Miku Hatsune LISTEN TO IT!!!!!


End file.
